Some have asked me why I want to pursue this madness of getting a doctorate degree in educational leadership. I’ve had some surmise that maybe I’ll go into administration. Others want to know what my plans will be once I’m done with this last part of my educational career.

I’ll say from the outset, I have absolutely NO desire to go into district level administration. I’ve seen too many good people eaten up by that particular system. As an outsider looking in, district administration appears to make those in it throw their own beliefs out the window and agree with whatever the superintendent wants to do. Integrity and doing what’s best for kids seems to be a very small part of being able to keep your job once you cross-over to the “dark” side.

When asked the question of what I want to do upon earning my doctorate by the two women who interviewed me, I replied simply, “I want to be on the same playing field as those making decisions for those who choose to stay in the classroom.” I sincerely  believe that more of “us” need to pursue getting our doctorates or getting nationally board certified so that when those with admin credentials and/or doctorates will see us as equals and will maybe actually listen when we say that research doesn’t support their latest bad idea.

I also want to get involved at the state level and help craft educational policy. When I went into teaching just a little over a decade ago, I remember being in my first staff meeting, surrounded by fellow teaching colleagues and being in awe of them. It took me some time to actually feel like I was one of them – the ones who I still believe have one of the most important jobs in the world – teaching our kids.

I’ve just never understood why we place more value on those so far removed from the classroom than those who do the actual daily work of teaching kids. I hope to be their voice in the way that Diane Ravitch and Linda Darling-Hammond have been their voice and the voice for sane education policies. These two women exemplify what I hope to accomplish when I finally can add “Dr.” to my name. (Although, like Diane Ravitch, I won’t insist that people call me that!)

On Monday, March 4th, I interviewed for the doctoral program at UC Davis.

I’ve waited an agonizing four weeks to find out if I had been accepted into the program.

I sent an e-mail this past Thursday and was told that it might be another week or two before final determinations had been made.

OMFG!!

I thought this is insane.

I also had convinced myself that surely had totally screwed up the interview.

I apparently did not.

I was accepted.

Email received today.

Happy!

OMFG!!

So Mrs. G over at Derfwad Manor posted a resolution list of sorts. Here’s mine that I started over there.

1. I will stop obsessing over trying to change people who are negative. I only have control over me.

2. I will continue to do nice things for myself, such as going to yoga & getting my nails done.

              
3. I will force myself to leave the house more often on the week-ends – for some reason this is becoming a real issue for me!

4. I will apply to the doctoral program this year and not convince myself I can’t do it.

I completely & utterly detest waiting for people especially when I know others’ are waiting for me. It’s like those contraptions where you drop the ball and one trigger leads to the next. You know that if one trigger doesn’t happen correctly, the whole contraption is doomed to fail.

Right now, I’m waiting. 

I have someone waiting for me.

The person I’m waiting for hasn’t shown up yet & I’m two hours completely off schedule.

Uggedy, ugh, ugh!

(I said this to one of my third graders as they left my classroom last Thursday. He got the biggest kick out of it and I heard him saying it to other kids as well.)

For years, my parents and my siblings and their spouses used to come to our house for Christmas breakfast. It was a tradition that I was hoping would continue. Unfortunately, it stopped due to what usually happens with family relationships – people squabble, feelings are hurt and people stop speaking to each other.

This year, I said “damn it all,” and told my parents that I really wanted them to come to our home for Christmas breakfast. It means a lot to my parents to see all of us kids together. My parents grew up in very dysfunctional environments. For them, family really is everything.

Relationships are complicated, but I think that it is up to each of us to try to work out those differences. My dad is 70 and my mom is approaching her 70’s. While both are very healthy, I also know that the reality is that things can happen in an instant. I really don’t want to waste my time fighting with my siblings. We are all better than that.

So, I’m starting the year anew, extending the olive branch. It just doesn’t feel right to have family over for breakfast and not have everyone there.

The reality of Friday’s event in Connecticut is slowly sinking in to our collective memories. The hand-wringing has begun and the vows of never-again are starting to percolate.

This is what I posted on my Facebook page just this morning (because the more I think about those babies & the terror they must have felt, the angrier & more pissed off I get).

“There are restrictions on amendments, such as the freedom of speech. One cannot yell “fire” in a crowded theater. We put limits on our freedoms when it means there is a threat to the common good. It is time to put limits on the 2nd Amendment. I’m tired & angry that we keep having this conversation & not a damn thing changes.”

It was women and children murdered on Friday, murdered in the one place they should have felt the most safe – a classroom.

Last year in the school district where I work, one of our teachers dealt with an intruder in her classroom. This intruder acted like he had a gun and threatened both the students and the teacher in the classroom. Fortunately for her, this intruder did not have a gun.

The school where I’m teaching this year was in lockdown last year. The high school is just up the hill and there had been an incident at the high school in which there was a threat of a gun. One of the police officers later shared with me that during the lockdown, one of the teachers on my campus did not know the campus was in lockdown due a phone malfunction. This teacher walked her students in a single file line right in the line of fire of the police officer. As he shared with me later, he stated that had he been the person with the gun, the teacher and those students would have been dead.

How many other schools have had to deal with lockdowns this past year? My guess would be thousands. When teachers are faced with the potential threat to their students, we do what we always do – safety for our students as a number one priority.

I also tweeted yesterday the statement that “those who bash teachers, remember they are the ones who will literally take a bullet for your child.” Every single one of the adults who lost their lives on Friday were women and every single one of those women left behind families who will grieve for them for a lifetime.

We need as a nation to start having a serious conversation about gun control. We need as a nation to do more for those who suffer from a mental illness and provide support for those family members who have loved ones dealing with a mental illness. Finally, we as a nation MUST recognize that the majority of people in our schools today are women – women who care for other peoples’ children as if they were their own.

We cannot let the lives of the women who took a bullet trying to save the lives of other peoples’ children go in vain. We must do something. We must change. We need to stop the bashing of teachers and recognize that many willingly sacrifice so much of themselves doing what they love to do – teaching because we want to make a difference.

The women who lost their lives on Friday were my colleagues and their children were my children. We as a nation can do better. We as a nation must do better.

T submitted his application a few months ago and today, he is took his placement test. Our next steps will be to look into housing & for him to make his online counseling session. 

I am happy that he has followed through on this like he said he would. He has so much potential and staying where he’s at (here where we live) makes it too easy for him to fall back into bad habits & associations.

He is slated to begin in January. I know he can do this.

M. (my beloved Persephone for which this blog is named) lived on her own (with financial support from her dad & I) for about 9 months, then lived with her boyfriend and his family for another 9 months. During the 18 months she lived away from us, we encouraged her to find work and/or enroll in some classes. She found two jobs relatively easy, but the first she lasted a day and the second, a few months.

What I keep in mind when I start myself feeling frustrated with M. is that during this time, she was still in denial about being bi-polar. And, if I’m truthful with myself, so were her father & I. I think when we think of the mental illness “bi-polar” many of us are left to think of Brittney Spears, shaving her head and her rather bizarre, erratic behavior.

That has never really been M.

Rather than lashing out, staying up for hours on end in frantic pace, M. tends to become reclusive, depressive and lethargic. When she is in a “manic” phase, her depression and anxiety kicks in along with insomnia. So imagine being depressed and anxious and not being able to sleep for several days, despite every attempt to do so. She is a classic Bi Polar 2. (The scary stat about this diagnosis is that those who are left untreated are at a higher risk for suicide.)

What do I see now? Now that she’s back on meds (lithium and klonopin), I see a person who is much more optimistic & loving. She is talking to us and is more open with what she’s feeling. She is the girl we used to know.

I’m loving it.

I mean this both literally and figuratively.  For awhile, dear Persephone, you seemed to be doing very well.  Your life looked as if it was getting back on track and you were making better decisions.  I’m not sure what has happened, but I feel you again withdrawing, going into that world that I’ve never understood.  What is the allure of that world?  It consumes you, drawing you in like a moth to light.  Will you come away unscathed this time? Or will you, like the moth, die because of an attraction that cannot be explained.

Again, I worry.  How long will it be this time before you find yourself in that dark place, unable to climb out and are successful this time in doing yourself in?

I’m losing my beautiful girl again.  I hope this time it is not for keeps.  However, I’m not sure how many more times I will get before it is for keeps.

love, mom

You are making your mom quite proud.  Going to AA meetings and counseling will go along way towards making you are mentally healthier person.  Then, to top it all off, you’ve signed up for a couple of classes!

Yes, I’m very proud of you.

Then, you tell me that you have given up the friends who only want to party.  You’re not interested in living that lifestyle anymore.  I know that some of your so-called friends have been upset by your decision, but I hope you also realize that real friends stick by you no matter what.

You are growing, maturing and becoming the young woman I always knew you could be.

Yes, you make me proud.  And, you should be proud as well.

love, mom